To the Backus family, one of the most import tasks for Mrs. Backus was to ensure that her daughters were married, and married into good families. Courtship in her life was much different from what we look at as dating today.
The time for a young woman to enter society and
assume her role as a marriageable woman was determined by her parents. A woman
was also expected to have completed her education typically around age 16. Courting
before this age was highly frowned upon. A young lady was chaperoned at public
entertainments, such as theatre or dances, by her parents, brothers, or a
family friend. (Once she became formally engaged, her fiancé became her
“legitimate protector and companion.”) She always followed acceptable behaviors,
and books were written that outline what that would be. Mrs. John Farrar wrote The
Young Lady’s Friend, that was published in 1837. She called for “delicacy
and refinement” when in the company of young men. “Never let a man
hold your hand; decline his offer of assistance with getting in and out of
carriages.” Mrs. Farrar summarized: “Your whole deportment should give
the idea that your person, your voice, and your mind are entirely under your
own control. Self-possession is the first requisite to good manners.”
A gentleman did not consider courting a woman
unless he had been formally introduced to her. (Men were not without their
etiquette manuals: Lord Chesterfield’s Advice to His Son on Men and
Manners, first published in 1774, was the popular source.) As they became acquainted,
and if he perceived that she was not averse, a gentleman took the next
step — writing to the lady’s father to ask permission to pay a visit to their
home. As soon as the father established that a young gentleman was
suitable company for his daughter, courtship commenced. In the young lady’s
front parlor, with a chaperone present, a courting couple engaged in allowed
activities including singing, talking, piano playing, and parlor games with
other guests. Supervised carriage rides and outdoor excursions to dances,
picnics, dinners, and concerts were also permitted. By the mid nineteenth century most
young people, and many parents, believed that people should marry for love, but
permission from parents was still important. Long engagements were common and it
was not considered proper for a young couple to marry until the man could
support his wife in a decent home.
Before
1860 the typical couple was married at the bride’s home in the presence of
immediate family members and a few close friends. During the 1860s and 1870s
middle-class weddings became more elaborate. The bride’s family often sent
engraved invitations to a wide range of relatives and acquaintances. Church
weddings became more common because the typical family parlor could not hold
all the guests, and weddings were often followed by lavish receptions. Many
middle-class brides who could afford to do so wore flowing white gowns and
veils, a style that originated with in the 1830s, having been influenced by the
wedding dress of Queen Victoria in 1840.
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